Look At You Now
by smc-27
Summary: If it weren't such a cry for help or weird character trait that she's sure has some deep psychological root, she'd almost laugh. All the guys she ends up really liking are all the ones she really shouldn't. Serena/Nate/Tripp. Oneshot


**A/N:** As with a lot (okay, most) things I write, this turned out completely different than what I thought/intended. It is basically a Serena/Nate/Tripp triangle. Sort of.

**----**

She kisses him once. Just once. She's five (_almostsix!_ she shouts to anyone who asks and some who don't) and he's 12 and they're at some picnic in Central Park.

She's playing tag with Nate and a couple of his other cousins, and she stumbles a little bit and falls, and when she looks up, Tripp van der Bilt is standing over her. He hooks his hands under her arms and lifts her effortlessly to her feet, then kneels in front of her, and she's had enough fun and sun and sugar that she kisses him right on the lips before she runs away after the other boys.

She turns around and Tripp's still standing there with his hands in the pockets of his Brooks Brothers khakis, and she giggles and starts running faster, and she can still remember the blue of his eyes.

----

When he's 15 and she's eight, she thinks he doesn't even notice her. He's got a girlfriend and he's allowed to drink scotch at parties sometimes, and the day before, she saw him driving down the driveway, learning with his dad in the passenger seat. She's still under the watchful eye of a nanny (whatever good that does) and getting her hair braided after breakfast.

She and Nate are sitting at the big table in the dining room of the Archibald's summer home, waiting for their french tutor to arrive. Blair is spending the summer in France with her mother and father, and Chuck is in New York with his father. Nate and Serena have spent most of the summer together, with Erik tagging along, of course. They've gotten into the most fun trouble of their lives and loved every second. And the two of them can smile their way out of anything.

Tripp walks into the room with a couple books in his hands. He's wearing a blue tee shirt that matches his eyes, and he smiles at them before sitting down at the head of the table so he's close to them. His knee brushes Serena's beneath the table, and she squirms a little bit, crosses her legs at the ankle and points them towards Nate.

"Let's get started," Tripp says.

So he tutors them for the rest of the summer. One hour a day, three times a week. Serena's french improves by leaps and bounds.

Nate gets a summer cold at the beginning of August (Serena pushed him into the pool at midnight and he couldn't fight the chill), so it's just she and Tripp at that big table in that big room.

She fumbles through the conjugating the verb 'to pass' and he smiles and is patient, but she can tell he's wondering why she nailed this the other day and now she's having trouble.

"What's wrong?" he asks, breaking his habit of speaking only french during sessions. He never does that.

"Nothing." He looks at her expectantly to let her know this isn't the best lie she's ever told. "Rien."

He laughs and when he looks at her again, his eyes are shining just a little bit. She's distracted. He smells really good, like chocolate and peppermint, and any time he looks over her shoulder at what she's writing, she almost wants him to hug her. She thinks she has her first crush.

Well, maybe her second, since she's always had a little one on Nate.

"You're worried about Nate, aren't you?" Tripp asks. She shrugs her shoulder and looks to her notebook, abrasively erasing a word. "He'll be alright. Just a cold, that's all." She nods her head, her unruly hair (she refused to have it brushed in the morning) falling around her shoulders. "Aw. You're so cute."

She hears it all the time, really. At least once a day. Someone's always calling her pretty or beautiful or cute. But it sounds different coming from Tripp. It sounds more honest or more genuine or something, and she messes up her composition because he places his hand on her shoulder and tells her that time is up.

"I have an idea," he says, a gleam in his eye. She knows that look.

"What?" she asks, trying not to sound too excited.

"Why don't we make some hot chocolate and take it up to him?" He wags his eyebrows like it's the world's best laid plan, and she giggles as she nods.

She grabs her books and drops them by her flip flops in the foyer where she's sure a nanny or housekeeper will be along any second to tidy up. They walk into the kitchen and Tripp politely, diplomatically ushers out the staff, insisting that he's got things under control. They call him Mr. van der Bilt, and when they all leave, he turns to Serena and rolls his eyes as he smiles.

Without warning, he lifts her up onto the counter and winks at her before reaching for a saucepan and some milk from the fridge. Sometimes she can't tell whether he's treating her like a little kid, or if he treats all kids differently than he treats her, and it really doesn't make any sense, because she _is_ a kid.

"How do you know how to do that?" she asks as she watches him measure out cocoa and sugar and add it to the milk on the stove.

"My mom showed me," he says, shrugging his shoulder casually like it's not a huge deal that he knows his way around a kitchen.

"Can I have some too?" she asks, her heels bouncing off the cupboard with excitement as she gives him her best smile.

He laughs and glances over at her. "Of course you can."

She doesn't say anything as she watches him stir, then pour the hot chocolate into two mugs. She hops down off the counter after he tells her he's not having any, and she looks up at him like it's blasphemous that he not have hot chocolate. He hands her a mug and asks her if she needs help, and she says yes, though she's not sure why. So he carries one mug and she carries the other as they walk up the stairs and into Nate's bedroom where he's laying in his bed wearing his pajamas with the sailboats on them.

Tripp leaves them alone, and Serena doesn't really register that he's left because she's too busy noticing that Nate's eyes are bluer than blue and bluer than Tripp's.

And blue is her favourite colour.

----

Nate kisses her for the first time late one night in Chuck's suite. Blair's sort of laid claim to him arbitrarily, said he's her perfect 'man' and they're getting married someday, but at 12, Nate isn't so sure of all that. He just wants to have fun with his friends, and he's noticed lately the way Blair is trying to separate him from Serena a little bit. Stupid things like making sure she's the one who sits across from him (with Serena at her side, not his) or wedging herself between them on Chuck's sofa when they all get together there.

But Chuck has gone to some party with Georgie, and Blair's safely at home. Serena thinks they don't know the girls are in some sort of fight, but Chuck and Nate know Blair and Serena well enough to be able to sense the tension. And they have these 'fights' often, where one girl does something to make the other upset, and they always make up, at most, two days later. Serena doesn't want to go home because Lily's boyfriend is there and he always walks around without a shirt on in the mornings. Nate laughs when she tells him that, and she pouts until he hugs her and tells her he'll stay at Chuck's with her.

They order pancakes and mimosas from room service at 9:00 at night because it's all on Bart Bass' bill and no one says no to them anyway. She laughs when he gets whipped cream on his chin, and she brushes it away, then licks her thumb clean.

"So why aren't you talking to Blair?" he asks after finishing a bite of his food.

"She's the one not talking to me. I borrowed her white lace top..."

"You didn't give it back," he finishes knowingly, trying not to laugh.

"I forgot," she says, shrugging her shoulders. Of course she forgot. She rests her head on his shoulder and loops her arm through his. "Thanks for staying."

"Sure," he says, because he can't think of anything else. "Do you wanna lay down?"

"Sleepy," she mumbles. He laughs and places his hand over hers. The thing is, they've held hands a hundred times before. They've just never done it in an empty hotel room that's mostly dark with her sitting so close to him. "Nate?"

"Yeah," he says. "Let's go to bed."

She clings to him as they walk to Chuck's bed, assuming that even if he comes home, he'll either crash in the bed, too, or he'll land on the couch. She presses herself up next to Nate's side and he holds onto her as he pulls the covers up over them. She lets her head rest against his chest. She feels his hands on her and his breath blowing her hair, and her heart beats a little faster in her chest.

And as soon as she looks up at him, just the light from the city coming through the window, his lips are pressed against hers and she wants him so bad and she has him and she can't ever, ever get enough of him. She hums a little against his lips when his hand finds her waist and she realizes _Ohmygod I'm kissing Nate_. They break apart when they need to breathe, then he kisses her just gently one last time.

"Get some sleep," he whispers.

She falls asleep with a smile on her face and wakes up in his arms with Chuck on the other side of her. He smirks when he sees that she and Nate are awake, and the look she gives him tells him not to say anything about it.

Nate walks her home and she bites her lip any time his hand brushes against hers, and when she looks at him, she sees him grinning and she thinks he's 'accidentally' touching her on purpose. He kisses her forehead and she says goodbye in an almost shy voice that is totally uncharacteristic of her.

But she's allowed to be shy in front of Nate, because he doesn't expect her to be anything. He sees all of her, every last thing, and she thinks that if she were old enough to fall in love, he might be someone she'd like to fall in love with.

----

She's 14 and at an underground (literally, underground) club in Manhattan when she sees Tripp for the first time in nearly two years. She's playing the part of Julliette, a French ambassador's daughter, and she's sipping champagne that's being payed for by...well, someone who isn't her. Her silk top hugs her body in the right places to make her look even older than she normally does, so it's not hard to dupe people into thinking she's at least _close_ to being of age.

Georgie goes to the bathroom, and Serena turns a blind eye to whatever it is she just saw her friend tucking into her back pocket. Serena sips from her champagne flute and smiles politely when a cute guy with a shaggy haircut comes up and leans against the bar so he's facing her.

For a second, she's really sick of the game, this whole pretending-to-be-someone-else thing. But she shakes his hand demurely when he introduces himself as Chad (he's the third she's met tonight), and she fakes the accent like a pro as they talk back and forth.

Then she feels a hand on her back and she stiffens as she turns around. There's Tripp in all his clean cut, blue-eyed, smiling glory, and she wonders if her face brightens at the sight.

"M'excuser," he says, winking discretely.

"Pas de problème," she says, her french diction even better than it was when he tutored her.

"Vraiment?" he asks. He glances at the guy who's eyeing her a little too hungrily for Tripp's liking, and when she doesn't respond, he holds out his hand and she places hers in his. "Venez avec moi."

She walks away with him without another look at Chad, and Tripp helps her put her jacket on when they're outside on the street. She thanks him quietly, and the look he gives her tells her that he's worried. She gets that look a lot.

"I didn't need you to rescue me," she says as they start walking down the sidewalk. She doesn't even know where they're going, but she's sure it doesn't matter.

"Maybe not, but a 13 year old girl in a bar? I couldn't let that happen."

"I'm 14," she mumbles.

He laughs and she manages not to. "Sorry." She shrugs her shoulders. "What are you doing, Serena?"

"I _was_ having fun," she says sharply.

He sighs and grabs her elbow, pulling her towards him to keep her from stepping on a patch of ice. "Is this about Nate and Blair?"

"No."

_Yes_.

"Okay," he says. He doesn't ask any followup questions, but he's heard from his cousin that Serena has been a little distant since he and Blair started dating. Tripp's not an idiot. In fact, he's definitely the smartest of the bunch, since he's older and has had more life experience. "I have an idea."

She thinks she's heard those words before.

"What?" she asks, trying not to smile. She's trying to be mad at him for ending her night and bringing up Nate and Blair's relationship.

"Hot chocolate?" he asks.

She laughs her laugh, the one she's had all her life and everyone seems to love, and he tells her he's staying at his family's place in the city while he's in town over the weekend, and that no one's home. They walk, her (well, her mother's) heels hitting the pavement, and he tells her all about Dartmouth and how amazing it is and how she should start thinking about colleges. She reminds him she's a freshman, and he laughs and says, "I forgot."

She sits on top of the counter next to the stove, her skirt riding up her thighs as she watches him make them hot chocolate, just like he did years ago. This time, he finds Godiva chocolates in a cupboard and she smiles all cute and wide when he hands them to her. Her heart jumps in her chest when he eats one right from her hand and his lips brush against her fingers.

"So tell me," he says after turning off the stove. She hands him the two mugs he'd set next to her and he starts pouring. "No boyfriend?" She bites her lip, tries not to smile. "Or...maybe several boyfriends?"

She laughs and shakes her head, her hair swishing around. "No. Just...there's no one, really, that I want to date." She shrugs her shoulder and the way he looks at her lets her know that he understands that the _'Except Nate'_ is implied. "What about you? Are you still with that girl?"

"What girl?" He watches her lips as she blows the steam from her mug.

"Andrea." The girl from that summer who used to come in from the city on weekends to see him.

"Oh!" He laughs. "_No_. No. That's been over for a long time. I can't even believe you remember that."

"I have a good memory," she says, oddly proud of that.

Their eyes lock as they both take sips of their drinks and then they laugh for no reason. Maybe because it's insane that they've run into one another and now they're talking like this, like he's not older and she's not younger. There he goes again, not treating her like a child. And it's nice, especially when her behaviour lately might warrant being treated like one.

"Do you want to stay?" he asks. He's looking into his mug. She thinks she's making him as nervous as he's making her.

"Oh."

"I mean in the guest room," he clarifies, smiling at her. "I can't let you leave by yourself this late at night."

She nods and her smile grows. It's so nice to be taken care of sometimes. "Okay."

So she stays the night, sleeping in a big guest room decorated with blue and white toile. He hands her something to sleep in - what is clearly a spare set of cashmere women's pajamas - and says goodnight at the door like a gentleman. She's not used to those. The door clicks closed and she hears him walking down the hall, but she changes and falls into that big bed and has one of the best nights of sleep in a long while.

And she leaves in the morning before he wakes up, doesn't leave a note and knows he'll be leaving the city again. He's just another boy. Just Tripp, who she's always known and who's always been nice to her.

But a part of her still wonders what things would be like if they were the same age.

----

She doesn't mean to sleep with Nate. But it's not a mistake. It's not like they both didn't want it. It's not like they both haven't wanted to since they knew what the act was. Like with everything they do, she's not sure if he kisses her first or she kisses him first, but the point is, they're _kissing_, and it feels good, and she can't get enough of him.

She holds back her_ I love you_ because he's already hearing the words from someone else, and she wraps herself in his shirt and runs, runs, runs because she can't fix this with a smile.

----

Her adventures at boarding school include, well, not much. She actually studies, and she actually goes to class, and there's no where to go out and get into trouble. There are groups of kids who bring the trouble to campus, and every so often she'll find herself with a drink in her hand, but it's not like she's never drank before.

She finishes her year and a car picks her up to take her back to the city, but she's not ready to face everyone just yet, so she reroutes the driver to JFK and gets on the first flight to Europe she can find. She ends up in London with her few bags of clothes and a few credit cards and a whole summer to do whatever she wants.

Not that that's really anything new.

Her mother once told her that you inevitably always run into someone you know when you're traveling, and she doesn't expect that to come true.

But then Carter Baizen is in Greece at the same time she's in Greece and he's trouble, and he's a little dangerous, and he can win anyone over with his smirk, and she hangs out with him because she feels like he understands her. She tells him about her father one night after a little too much Ouzo, and by the morning, he's got an envelope of information from his PI. She laughs and says that he's like Chuck, and he glares at her until she takes it back.

But their search ends with her in tears (she tries to hide them but she just can't) and she falls into his arms, so wishing he was someone who could comfort her. She's really surprised when he does. He says sweet things she didn't know he was capable of and they end up in his hotel room, and she's unbuttoning his shirt before they've even kissed.

She leaves before he wakes up and ignores that it's becoming a habit of hers to disappear on boys.

----

Tripp is at a holiday party she attends, and Dan is at her side, looking cute and uncomfortable in his suit and tie. She laughs with him like they're in their own little world and wipes eggnog from his lips and introduces him to anyone who feels they need to know who he is. Neither really wanted to come to this party, but her mother insisted, and Serena said she'd only go if Dan could, and Lily rolled her eyes but smiled as she nodded.

She's at the bar to get a glass of champagne when Tripp walks over and signals to the bartender for a refill on his brandy. She hasn't seen him since that night two years ago, and she's almost surprised to see him.

"Serena," he says, ever-so-cordially.

"Tripp!" she says in surprise. She leans in to kiss his cheek and his hand falls to her waist. "How _are_ you?"

"I'm doing well, thank you," he says. He looks over to where Dan is talking with (at) an un-amused looking Blair Waldorf. "You've got a boyfriend."

She dips her head to hide her blush, tucks a strand of hair behind her ear and nods. "Yeah. That's Dan." He smiles and nods politely, but she can tell he doesn't know what to say. "_You've_ got a _girlfriend_," she notes, making them both laugh.

"Maureen," he says. "Almost two years now."

"I'm sure she's lovely," Serena says. She ignores the little bit of jealousy in her stomach and it disappears when she looks at Dan again. Blair rolls her eyes at something he says and then stalks away without a word. Serena laughs despite the fact that she wants them to get along so badly. "I should..."

"Right," he says, nodding gently. "It was great to see you."

"You too." She touches his shoulder lightly and smiles at him before she walks away, and she can feel his eyes on her until she's got her arms around Dan.

She doesn't know how, but she knows exactly when he's looked away.

----

She, Nate and Erik are playing badminton (sort of; they're completely neglecting the rules) one afternoon on the lawn of Nate's grandfather's estate, and Serena takes a break to laugh after hitting Erik in the head with the birdie. Nate catches her when she falls against his chest, giggling in his arms, and he and Erik just smile at her antics.

She was right. He does know how she gets in the summer. So far, he's been around for all of it. She's his fake girlfriend after all.

Erik is in the middle of a hilarious and completely untrue threat to get her back, Nate is laughing and Serena is hugging the both of them, one arm around each of her boys, and a car pulls into the drive. She doesn't pay it any mind until Nate pulls away from her, happily calling his cousin's name.

Serena and Erik wait politely for their turn at hellos as William comes out of the house and Maureen rushes towards him waving her left hand and calling out the news of her engagement to Tripp. Serena offers Tripp her congratulations, and they share a moment, just a split second where there eyes are locked, and she doesn't know what that means. But then William is insisting the boys, including Erik, all have a scotch to celebrate, and he asks a staffer to find Anne to celebrate with the girls.

Serena spends the rest of her afternoon talking to Maureen about the ring and the proposal and how the wedding is going to be _the_ event of the year. She excuses herself at one point when it gets a little hard to breathe, and she runs into Tripp in the kitchen as he takes a few bottles of water from the fridge.

"So," he says. "You and Nate."

She bites the inside of her lip to keep from telling him that the whole thing is a sham. "Yeah."

(And it kind of feels good to think of she and Nate as a real couple sometimes.)

"I always knew you two'd get it together eventually," he says, smiling at her.

She rolls her eyes playfully and reaches for a grape from the bowl on the counter. He winks, but doesn't say anything more, and she's left alone leaning against a marble counter top, trying to figure out if she's sad over the fact that Nate is not her boyfriend, or the fact that Tripp will never be.

----

She sees him once, on a street in Manhattan, the week before the wedding. She's not invited. Nate and Blair are back together, and she and Dan are over (_over_, over, for the last time) and she's dealing with this whole mess with Gabriel.

Everything's a disaster. She can't handle seeing Tripp and hearing him talk about his wedding and impending marriage, so she turns her head and walks the other way, slipping into a book store so he won't see her. She decides her crush is over, just like that, and she dial's Cyrus' number to enlist his help with her situation.

It's almost funny, really. At one point or another, she might have had all those boys, at least in some small way. Now she only has one and she's not sure she even really wants him.

When she finds out he's a con artist who's been lying to her all along, it becomes pretty easy to accept being alone.

----

She's Serena van der Woodsen, so her period of being alone doesn't last very long at all. It lasts only until Carter shows up and sweeps her away to Fiji and she decides before they've even stepped off the plane that she'll take whatever this summer gives her.

She falters in that plan a little bit and leaves him because of all the things Carter is, the one she realizes most is that he's just too much. He's too intense and too smoldering and too charming and she knows that if she lets him in, she'll fall hard.

And then he's in New York. And, like maybe she should have known he'd do, he says all the sweetest things and kisses her and he's smiling and she can't resist him. So she falls hard for him.

She's really not happy when Nate plays her and Carter ends up leaving town and she ends up down a friend and a boyfriend.

She cries in her room because she's not sure who she'll miss more.

----

She tries not to look smug when Tripp insists that she come to the election party. She can tell Nate's less than impressed, but really, it's a serious event and he can get over himself for one night and just deal with the fact that they'll both be in the same place at the same time.

And standing in front of Tripp and Nate in the office, she feels like they're not all so far apart anymore. Tripp's not older and Nate's not mad at her. Of course, that's not the case, but she pretends for a minute because it's better than the reality of it all.

By the end of the night, she's wishing Tripp had never shown up and Nate hadn't 'let' her come to the party. She's lost her best friend, had a run in with Chuck, and quit her job. Not exactly anything worth remembering.

So she does the only thing she can think of doing, and she orders a martini in the quiet bar in the hotel.

She's a little thrown when Tripp sits down next to her and all but insists she stay with him and talk. So she does, until it's really late and his phone is buzzing on the bar and her body is buzzing with vodka.

"Maureen," he says by way of explanation. Serena's chest tightens and she nods. His wife. Of course. "I should be going."

"Yeah. Me too," she says. He reaches for his wallet, but she sends him an admonishing glance. "Chuck." He laughs and nods his head. "And you, Mr. Congressman, need to get used to getting things for free."

"I've not exactly had a hard life, Serena," he reminds her. She laughs that laugh and hops down off her barstool. His hand comes out to steady her if need be, and she thinks that is an incredibly sweet gesture. "Come on. I'll walk you to the door."

"What about Maureen?" she asks as he rests his hand in the middle of her back. A safe, neutral place. Or it would be if she couldn't feel his touch all over her somehow. But that may be the vodka talking.

"She can wait." He says it sweetly, like he's not the kind of guy to leave a woman to wait for a cab on her own.

Serena notes that he has no problem leaving his wife waiting on her own.

But he kisses her cheek and cups her elbow before opening the door of the cab for her, and he tells her how nice it was to talk to her. Her eyes glance down at his lips and he clears his throat gently, like he's in need of a distraction, and he says goodnight a little more firmly, more like a Congressman, before she gets in her cab. She knows he's resisting temptation just as much as she is.

But again, that may be the vodka talking.

----

No girl sets out to be the mistress. No girl meets a married man and says, _'I'd like to fall for him.'_ It's never planned, and it's never, ever something she'll actively chase. She's usually the chased, and she usually tries to run really fast.

But sometimes she loses her footing. Sometimes she 'accidentally' stubs her toe on the curb or twists her ankle.

And sometimes she just gets tired of running altogether.

If it weren't such a cry for help or weird character trait that she's sure has some deep psychological root, she'd almost laugh. She always seems to be in a position to resist the temptation of being with someone. Maybe it comes from years of being the object of someone's (or a lot of someones') affections, having to weed out the good from the bad and eventually not really being able to tell them apart.

Or maybe it's just because the guys she ends up _really_ liking are all the ones she _really_ shouldn't.

So she goes to Nate for help, because he's Nate and he won't turn her away, or at least she doesn't think he will. He seems to understand, and he's almost sympathetic, and he doesn't judge her. They spend an entire day together, and there's this tension that's always been there, they just haven't been around one another much lately to feel it.

But then they're laughing and reminiscing and doing shots and he says that he loved her. She spent so much of her life wanting to hear those words from him that they throw her for a complete loop and all she can say is his name. Her heart races and she might be blushing and she's completely lost in the moment with him. And as he leans in to kiss her, she gets all those butterflies (and she never gets those anymore) and there's a split second where she thinks that maybe Nate is what she's needed all along.

She ends the night, however, kissing someone else altogether.

----

She wonders if they'll ever have a normal Thanksgiving. Sitting across from Nate and next to Tripp while another of her ex-boyfriends is at the table is definitely not normal.

Maureen calls Tripp out on his 'affair' (though it's just been...well, several kisses but very little more). Nate looks jealous (that does something to Serena that she can't explain; she likes it). Chuck looks amused (perpetually). Blair's disappointed (of course).

Tripp and Maureen get into some sort of private argument in the living room, and there are hushed whispers that Lily and Blair try to talk animatedly over. Blair compliments Lily on the place settings, and Lily insists that she can't wait to try Blair's pie, and they chit chat about anything they can think as they try to break the tension. This is the UES. Tension is scarcely acknowledged and often swept under the rug. They're talking about Chuck's suit, much to his amusement (he knows exactly what's happening, so he plays along to appease his girlfriend and his step-mother) when Tripp walks back into the dining room looking a little worse for wear and apologetically excuses himself from dessert.

Serena looks at Nate and he's clearly not impressed, but she sighs and gets up to follow Tripp to the front door. He's putting on his jacket and she grabs hers, slipping into the elevator before he can escape without talking to her.

"You shouldn't be here," he says, trying not to sound too cold.

"Neither should _you_," she tells him. "You need to talk to her."

"I've tried that."

"Not hard enough!"

"What do you want me to say, Serena?" he asks, turning to look at her. "You and I are...we're...and you want me to reconcile with her?"

She shakes her head and blows out her breath. "This was a mistake. I should never have..."

"What?" He runs his hand down her arm to grasp her wrist, his thumb moving back and forth over her skin. "Do you regret it?"

"You're _married_," she whispers harshly.

He sighs, nods solemnly, and tells her the truth. "I'm not sure for how much longer."

"Don't say that," she says, shaking her head. She hates false promises, and her life has been full of them.

He wants to kiss her, she can tell, but the elevator door opens and he drops her hand. "Come with me."

"Where?" she asks.

He flashes her his best smile and she knows she's a goner. "Does it matter?"

They don't say anything as they wait for his driver to pull his limousine up to the curb. She blows 'smoke' rings in the cold air when she realizes she can see her breath, and he laughs and shakes his head. "Only you," he says.

The car has just arrived when she hears her name called out from behind her. _Nate_. She turns to Tripp and he looks jealous or something. The guys talked briefly in private earlier, but then didn't speak again for the rest of the evening. Serena doesn't know what was said during that conversation, but she can safely assume it was about her.

"Give me a second," she says to Tripp, and he nods and slides into the back seat. Nate is standing there, cheeks all pink from the cold, and she feels such a rush of affection for him that it's really hard to ignore. He looks just like he used to as a kid when she'd force him to make snow angels with him in Central Park. "Nate."

"You can't do this," he says pleadingly.

"I can't...I can't stay here either," she tells him. "That...up there...it's too much. With her, and you, and everyone judging..."

"You're..." he almost shouts before looking around and lowering his voice. He steps a little closer. "You're _sleeping_ with..."

"I'm _not_," she's quick to insist, her eyes meeting his.

He scoffs, shakes his head. "For how much longer?"

She knows her chin is trembling, because he's now wearing the face he's always worn when she was about to cry. But he's just said such similar words to Tripp's, and she doesn't know what that means, and she's spent enough time this year with Nate mad at her. She doesn't want to go through that again.

The window of the limo opens a crack and Tripp asks if she's coming. She doesn't miss the look he sends Nate. It almost says,_ 'I'm getting the girl'_. She doesn't think she likes that look.

"Serena," Nate says softly. She looks back at him and he's so close that she can smell his cologne and feel his body heat. "Don't go."

She bites her lip and steps away from him, shaking her head as she gets into the car. She doesn't turn around to look at him because she can't bear the thought of seeing him looking heartbroken. Not again.

Tripp's hand falls to her thigh as soon as she's seated, and she tries to smile, does her best to fake it. He doesn't notice. Nate would have. She hears Tripp give the driver the name of a hotel, and she feels something in her stomach. Like she feels like she's going to be sick. Not only does she not want Tripp, but...she doesn't want him _at all_. This crush, whatever it is, is played out already, and she feels guilty and she wants her friends. She wants Nate. Because that heartbroken look she knows was on his face as the car drove away means only one thing.

He _still_ loves her.

She could hear it in his words. Don't go. She could have sworn it was junior year again and him standing on the courtyard telling her in not so many words that he wanted to be with her. He wants to be with her now. She'd never forgive herself if she didn't do something about that.

Tripp's lips graze her neck and it feels so, so wrong that she pulls away. She somehow resists the urge to shrug him off, but she might as well have, since the effect is all the same.

"Serena, what's..."

"I can't do this," she states with a confidence she wasn't even sure she had. She reaches up and presses the intercom button. "Stop the car, please."

"Darling."

"Don't call me that," she warns Tripp. He looks completely confused. "This isn't right. You have a wife. You have...you have a life and a reputation, and I have..."

"What do you have?" he asks. The car comes to a stop and they're still staring at one another. He's challenging her to say it.

_I have Nate. _

"I have more dignity than this," she tells him.

"You're..." He sighs and shakes his head, the remorse written all over his face.

"I'm sorry. I can't," she repeats. She presses a kiss to his cheek, and he breathes her in a little bit, but her hand is already fumbling for the door handle.

She's got one foot on the pavement when she hears him say, "I always knew you two'd end up together."

She doesn't know about all that, but as soon as the door is slammed behind her, she's running in the direction of Nate's place. Well, Chuck's place. Whatever. All she knows is that running in heels is not easy, and it's pretty cold, and by her calculation, she's got about 10 blocks to go.

People are looking at her like she's insane, and if she cared at all, she wouldn't blame them. She's wearing a ridiculously expensive dress and jacket and $400 shoes, and she's running through Manhattan at 8:30 at night on Thanksgiving. Probably not something that happens all that often.

When she arrives at the door, the concierge stops her and she's offended. "_What_?"

"I'm sorry miss, who are you here for?"

"Nate Archibald," she says breathlessly. And she really is here for him, in any way that implies. "I know where his room is."

"Is he expecting you?" the man asks.

"No, but he's my friend. I'm _Chuck Bass'_ friend."

"I'm sure you understand we get that all the time," he says patronizingly.

She leans against the desk and speaks in a tone she's heard her mother use a hundred times before when she wants to get her way.

"I'm Serena van der Woodsen. Chuck's..._sister_," she says. That seems to do the trick, and she doesn't care that Chuck will no doubt find out she referred to herself as his sister. The man behind the desk looks a little scared, actually, that he's treated her the way he has, though she really can't blame him for doing his job. He straightens his posture and she knows an apology is coming, but she walks away calling, "Thanks," over her shoulder.

She presses the button for his floor six times, and she doesn't bother to check her appearance because she knows her shoes are scuffed and her forehead is shiny and her hair is out of place. She doesn't care, because he won't, and he's seen her at her worst anyway.

She enters his suite without knocking, thankful to find the door unlocked. She almost laughs, because he could very well not have come home yet. "Nate!" she calls out. She doesn't get a response, so she calls his name again as she sheds her jacket.

"Serena," he says in surprise. He's got a glass of scotch or something in his hand, and she almost thinks he's going to drop it. "What are you doing here?"

"Why didn't you want me to go with him?" she asks, putting her hand on her hip. "And don't say it's because..."

"Because I don't want you to be with anyone else," he answers honestly.

Suddenly she thinks it's ridiculous that there's still 20 feet of space between them. She wants to say she can't believe he's being so honest, but after his words at the bar the other night, she's not really surprised by it.

But she also doesn't know what to say. She just walks towards him, kicking her shoes off halfway between the door and where he stands. He laughs a little, then even harder when she takes the glass from his hand and takes a long sip.

"What?" she asks, referring to his ever-so-sweet statement.

"You shouldn't be with someone else," he says seriously. "You should be with me."

She bites her lip and tries not to smile, but it's hard not to when he says things like that. "Why?"

"Why?" he laughs. She nods, and he reaches for her hand. "_Because_, Serena. You're...It's supposed to be us. Since...the beginning."

She remembers the words Tripp said to her, and she wonders why she's the last one in the know.

She shakes her head and looks down at their hands as he threads his fingers together with hers. "But I ruined your relationship with Tripp, and I..."

"You didn't," he insists. She's sure it's true, though. Tripp is the last real family he has left, and she doesn't think they'll ever be the same. "God, don't you get it?" She looks at him blankly and his tone softens. "I'd do just about anything for you."

No one has ever said those words to her before. Now that she thinks about it, Nate's the only one who would.

She smiles the smile she has when she's about to say something ridiculous and cute. "Would you..." she draws out, so reminiscent of when they were kids.

"Yes."

"I didn't finish." She pouts a little bit, jokingly and childishly.

"Doesn't matter," he almost whispers. He pulls her against him roughly and he kisses her without much warning. His lips move against hers, and he smiles when she does, and his hands find her waist just before they part. He looks her up and down, her cheeks a little flushed and... "You look so hot in this dress."

She giggles and he pulls her into his arms so she's pressed against his chest and she closes her eyes, and she's kind of wondering how she ever ignored this. "Nate."

"Serena."

"I'm sorry," she whispers. He squeezes her a little bit and she pulls away to look at him. "For everything."

"Me too," he says softly, brushing the hair back from her temple.

"Can we kiss again?" she asks, smiling when he tips his head back and laughs.

"Yeah, we can kiss again."

And so they kiss again. And again. And again.

_**-Fin-**_


End file.
